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my postpartum depression was worse than the monsters in story books

My postpartum depression was worse than the monsters in story books.

It was like the thoughts that manifested from PPD were so bad that I could feel my body was physically fighting with my mind to keep me from harming myself every day.

Everyone was telling me how great of a mom I was and my brain was picking it apart and twisting it as if they were insulting me.
Even if someone tried to give me parenting advice i took that as “they think I’m being a terrible mother” which made me BELIEVE i was being a terrible mother. I didn’t trust anyone with my son. I felt if i left him with anyone they would think I’m a terrible mom.

I cried every free second I had because he never deserved a mother that felt like this. It was as if I was on a ledge every single moment I was awake. And since i was a stay at home mom i felt terrible about myself because i was so wrapped up in taking care of my child i never did house work. You always see photos of people’s families and their houses are always spotless. I felt like a failure because my house was NOTHING like those photos. I thought If i couldn’t keep a house spotless how am i suppose be a good mom.

At first i was embarrassed for having PPD. I thought it made me look “weak” but once i chose to speak up, let others around me know what i was battling, it felt like i then had them on my side of this battle. They were fighting WITH me, not AGAINST me like my brain was making me believe.

If I chose to stay silent about postpartum depression, I 100% would not be alive at this moment to share this. Reading about PPD and being outspoken about it is the reason I am here today being the badass mother that I am! I hope one day we can live in a world where PPD is able to be a topic that we can openly discuss at the dinner table.

We NEED to live in that world because too many beautiful women are losing their battle to PPD. We need to UPLIFT one another. We need to be talking about the RAW unfiltered side of motherhood. Not the “Instagram unfiltered” but the actual unfiltered moments of being in pain after child birth, wearing adult diapers, crying for days straight because you have PPD and you need help. We need to normalize the fact that it is OKAY to ask for help.

We need treatment centers where mothers can get the help they need while also having their child with them, we need actual nurseries in hospitals incase a mother is feeling too overwhelmed having the baby in room with her right after birth. We need to give women a chance to recover from childbirth before throwing her in the deep end of motherhood. We need hospitals to be informed and give every mother all the resources available to them, pamphlets, classes, anything to help them better understand PPD and make them feel less ashamed to have it.

shared by guest author Mckayla Trusdell