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a poem: postpartum anxiety thoughts

Nikki Koch personal motherhood story inside and out

Postpartum anxiety…
These intrusive thoughts hold so much power over me.
They play on a loop over and over.
Why can’t I pause, where is the stop button, please, will someone help.
I am so alone.
I am too crowded.
I need space.
I can’t leave my babies side, something terrible will happen.
I tell myself this is surely normal, I am a new Mother after all.
Yes, these are normal thoughts.
I need someone to visit so I can take some time for myself.
Hold my daughter for a while will you? – as I carefully watch there every move.
I’ll take her back now, I say, for my fears they are shouting at me and they only silence when she returns to my arms.
I place my hand upon her to feel the rise and fall of her tiny chest.
I don’t need to sleep, what if something were to happen?
My own heart beats fast, my thoughts rapidly fire, hands are shaky, nausea settles in.
I quickly snap at my loved ones for I have nothing in me to give them patience and understanding.
I reach for a hand to pull me away from the darkened spaces.
And then I am finally able to see it.
I realize it now.
These intrusive thoughts have overpowered me.
I look at myself. I look tired.
My mind is tired, my body uncared for.
I must release these thoughts.
The guilt is trickling in.
Breathe, 1, 2, let them go, Let all of it go.
Trust that my mothering intuition will guide me well.
Trust that I am capable and confident.
Battling postpartum depression and anxiety is an ongoing journey of up and down.
For any moms also struggling – I know the spaces can be dark and feel never ending.
But we will find the light again.

shared by guest author Nikki Koch